Mum's and sis is leaving for New Zealand coming this friday...and my Europe trip will start its count down in 12 days from then...work aside, i think im really thrilled for this trip to Europe.
I cant believed im going Europe for the first time. Well, the feeling is exactly the same as i did for Japan. I cant believe after 32 years of my life and 10 years of working, i finally get to go on this trip.
In the past, i often envy friends and classmate who get to go on trips. I wasnt making earning a lot and whatever in excess often goes to the household income.
I still remembered during school days, how i gave up my savings so that Mum could go on trips and she would remind us that once we start earning, we would have our own share of travels...and so it did happen now.
Well of course, for trips like this, the people who can go seems to be limited. (If Huisan came back earlier, she might have join in as well i guess...). Not that im skeptical going with Ben, he is a great company, but i do worry that we might run out of topic..after all he is quite a regimental person...
and so i prepared my self entertainment for this trip...it should be rather hectic considering the many movements in the 3 countries!
Hopefully this trip will be an enjoyable one!
Monday, April 29, 2013
Commitment Phobia
I hate to admit this, but its only now that i realized that i have a psychological barrier...and i didnt know about it till i had enough of my worries and started googling my scenario on the web and found that what i am experiencing is very close to what they called "Commitment Phobia".
For as long as i did, i thought that it was normal. I thought that everyone went thru the same issue as me, but in fact, i was so wrong. I refused to acknowledge it as a problem with each time running away from a committed relationship in fear...
Well this may sound funny, but if u knows me well, you know that i have been running away and disappearing in every single courtship, relationship that i had...
I just feel suffocated if someone come closer than a friend should...i will start having a lot of thinking and most of the time I sabotaged relationships that I knew could go somewhere and gravitated towards relationships that I knew would fail. Knowing I was stuck somewhere or with someone felt like death by suffocation to me and I found myself doing a lot of running away or getting the other person to do it for me.
In retrospect, i know that this might be due to my childhood days when i started day dreaming, dreaming of an unrealistic perfect relationship, an unrealistic ideal partner or it could be due to the future uncertainty, the insecured mentality of losing freedom, sharing your life with another person.
It is difficult to describe to someone who has never experienced commitment phobia how intense the fear reaction becomes at times, or how fantastic the fantasy of escape can feel. I would go on a date, but when the friendship/relationship progressed, the person literally began to look repulsively ugly to me. I will pick every single detail to find fault and give myself an excuse to exit.
On the other hand, I easily committed myself to relationships that were wrong for me and would inevitably end as they never triggered my fear of permanence.
Thereafter, i would take a long break and thinking how nice freedom is...i pretended that i love being Single...in fact, i feared the same emotional feeling from the phobia.
The sudden hype in a relationship and ending it real quick and clean seems to be a norm...i bet my family thought that i was rejected in each relationship but in fact, i withdrawn myself out of it each time when the feeling came. The decision is often so deeply embedded in the subconscious.
Found this para on a counseling site, which i think really explain what is going on with me, somehow i just can't relate back to what is the cause of these, but emotionally, its reacting in this manner.
" The truth is, the journey to overcome commitment phobia is not an easy one. Trauma tends to be encoded differently in our minds than different kinds of memories. Like a bubble, the mind/body/emotion memory tends to remain disconnected until it is triggered by something that reminds us of the trauma. The memory comes back vividly and powerfully, sometimes only with the body or emotions. We may not remember the trauma explicitly (being able to recall the memory) but we often remember the trauma implicitly (with our bodies and emotions). Luckily, there are therapeutic techniques that can effectively help to resolve these pockets of traumatic memories."
This is probably the first time i write something so personal down in my blog..and probably the first and last time i would like to share here. At least i know i need to face it which starts by admitting i have this issue...
I guess the readers here are mostly my trusted friends and family and so, there isnt anything to be ashamed of. In fact, im a little more apologetic to the friendships that i have jeopardized thru these experience...
I hope i can overcome it...and frankly speaking..there isnt anything wrong with being single and free :) However i hope my choice of staying single isnt because of this phobia.
For as long as i did, i thought that it was normal. I thought that everyone went thru the same issue as me, but in fact, i was so wrong. I refused to acknowledge it as a problem with each time running away from a committed relationship in fear...
Well this may sound funny, but if u knows me well, you know that i have been running away and disappearing in every single courtship, relationship that i had...
I just feel suffocated if someone come closer than a friend should...i will start having a lot of thinking and most of the time I sabotaged relationships that I knew could go somewhere and gravitated towards relationships that I knew would fail. Knowing I was stuck somewhere or with someone felt like death by suffocation to me and I found myself doing a lot of running away or getting the other person to do it for me.
In retrospect, i know that this might be due to my childhood days when i started day dreaming, dreaming of an unrealistic perfect relationship, an unrealistic ideal partner or it could be due to the future uncertainty, the insecured mentality of losing freedom, sharing your life with another person.
It is difficult to describe to someone who has never experienced commitment phobia how intense the fear reaction becomes at times, or how fantastic the fantasy of escape can feel. I would go on a date, but when the friendship/relationship progressed, the person literally began to look repulsively ugly to me. I will pick every single detail to find fault and give myself an excuse to exit.
On the other hand, I easily committed myself to relationships that were wrong for me and would inevitably end as they never triggered my fear of permanence.
Thereafter, i would take a long break and thinking how nice freedom is...i pretended that i love being Single...in fact, i feared the same emotional feeling from the phobia.
The sudden hype in a relationship and ending it real quick and clean seems to be a norm...i bet my family thought that i was rejected in each relationship but in fact, i withdrawn myself out of it each time when the feeling came. The decision is often so deeply embedded in the subconscious.
Found this para on a counseling site, which i think really explain what is going on with me, somehow i just can't relate back to what is the cause of these, but emotionally, its reacting in this manner.
" The truth is, the journey to overcome commitment phobia is not an easy one. Trauma tends to be encoded differently in our minds than different kinds of memories. Like a bubble, the mind/body/emotion memory tends to remain disconnected until it is triggered by something that reminds us of the trauma. The memory comes back vividly and powerfully, sometimes only with the body or emotions. We may not remember the trauma explicitly (being able to recall the memory) but we often remember the trauma implicitly (with our bodies and emotions). Luckily, there are therapeutic techniques that can effectively help to resolve these pockets of traumatic memories."
This is probably the first time i write something so personal down in my blog..and probably the first and last time i would like to share here. At least i know i need to face it which starts by admitting i have this issue...
I guess the readers here are mostly my trusted friends and family and so, there isnt anything to be ashamed of. In fact, im a little more apologetic to the friendships that i have jeopardized thru these experience...
I hope i can overcome it...and frankly speaking..there isnt anything wrong with being single and free :) However i hope my choice of staying single isnt because of this phobia.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
House @ Dempsey
Its been very long since i last went Dempsey...I remembered i was there the first time with Holly and Fionis...we were probably the few nuts that went there to perspire so much for pictures while others enjoy a nice cup of tea or coffee in the cafe.
My 2nd visit was to the PS Cafe with Winnie....not sure how she is these days...hope she is doing fine.
Anyway this round, Huisan initiated for a brunch session before our movie at Great World. So we thought why not check out House at Dempsey, especially so when she is driving...haha
The waiting area is really very different from the interior. Given the warm humid weather, its really not very advisable to go without a booking.
Its so nice sitting outside the open area but i guess no one will do that...its almost 32 degrees
Not a single soul...not even Angmoh who love the sun..
Another product by Skinny Pizza
She's checking out the menu
The place is pretty crowded but i like how they arrange the seats...definitely not another place where each table shares one another's conversation...
My spanish donuts
The House's drinks promo...3 cocktail for the price of 2...and That mojito is pretty strong..
Definitely a nice place to catch up!
My 2nd visit was to the PS Cafe with Winnie....not sure how she is these days...hope she is doing fine.
Anyway this round, Huisan initiated for a brunch session before our movie at Great World. So we thought why not check out House at Dempsey, especially so when she is driving...haha
The waiting area is really very different from the interior. Given the warm humid weather, its really not very advisable to go without a booking.
Its so nice sitting outside the open area but i guess no one will do that...its almost 32 degrees
Not a single soul...not even Angmoh who love the sun..
Another product by Skinny Pizza
She's checking out the menu
The place is pretty crowded but i like how they arrange the seats...definitely not another place where each table shares one another's conversation...
My spanish donuts
The House's drinks promo...3 cocktail for the price of 2...and That mojito is pretty strong..
Definitely a nice place to catch up!
Friday, April 26, 2013
Dinner with a friend
My last dinner with EMO, actually taught me so much about the importance of a supportive family.
It has been a while since i met her and she has not walk out of her depression state.
While a lot of us kept complaining about life and seeking our own troubles, i thought we should at least remind ourselves how fortunate we are...at least to this small group of troubled people, the small tiny issues arent affecting our daily life as compared to them.
It has been a while since i met her and she has not walk out of her depression state.
While a lot of us kept complaining about life and seeking our own troubles, i thought we should at least remind ourselves how fortunate we are...at least to this small group of troubled people, the small tiny issues arent affecting our daily life as compared to them.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Yet again...
Its seems like every year i would have to go thru the same old emotional times during the appraisal period. Last year was totally my own fault for not putting in enough effort and somehow or rather i managed to pass thru. I knew i was lucky. This year, i promised myself that the same thing should not happen again and while i put in double the effort, i was still penalised for an undelivered KPI that was due to some circumstances.
When my team had a turn over, i unselfishly took on another role despite the fact that my kpi was tag to a project..i knew that this thing would surface up one day irregardless what my supervisor has promised me and true enough it did...
Probably i had some psychic power, i dropped my boss a sms during the eve of the new year to spell things out and i was assured the appraisal will be done based on the new plans..
To be fair she did..but to the bigger bosses, things arent viewed in this manner
It happen almost immediately after the Board Budget, where your bosses started bringing out their "calculator" to calculate what you didnt fulfill...and its actions like this that probably demoralize you...
If KPI was so important and unflexible, they should have told me earlier, i would have been more selfish and ignore the team's fate...this seems to be the message sent to me..
Well i believed in an open talk and i did...at least to the level that i can reach...staying passive and crying over spill water isnt just me.
To me, there was a promise made, an understanding..with my supervisor...so if things just didnt work out as per promised, then probably there is no reason to stay...and it does hurt ur integrity to continue to be submissive. There is also no reason for me to stay committed in value adding the organisation in any roles.
We shall see then....
When my team had a turn over, i unselfishly took on another role despite the fact that my kpi was tag to a project..i knew that this thing would surface up one day irregardless what my supervisor has promised me and true enough it did...
Probably i had some psychic power, i dropped my boss a sms during the eve of the new year to spell things out and i was assured the appraisal will be done based on the new plans..
To be fair she did..but to the bigger bosses, things arent viewed in this manner
It happen almost immediately after the Board Budget, where your bosses started bringing out their "calculator" to calculate what you didnt fulfill...and its actions like this that probably demoralize you...
If KPI was so important and unflexible, they should have told me earlier, i would have been more selfish and ignore the team's fate...this seems to be the message sent to me..
Well i believed in an open talk and i did...at least to the level that i can reach...staying passive and crying over spill water isnt just me.
To me, there was a promise made, an understanding..with my supervisor...so if things just didnt work out as per promised, then probably there is no reason to stay...and it does hurt ur integrity to continue to be submissive. There is also no reason for me to stay committed in value adding the organisation in any roles.
We shall see then....
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Jurong Bird Park
Its been 12 years since i last visited Jurong Bird Park..thats also how long it has been since i last met my friend Huisan...
I must comment that the park was pretty well maintained...thou the crowds still looks a little lesser compared to the zoo..
The close interactions in a human cage with the birds such as lorie and cockatoo brings you closer to nature.
The Lories close up and personal
Emoo stare
The Pink Flamingo
The bird show was pretty much similar to my memory..
And i used it immediately...
If you would love to get near to nature and away from crowds..this is one good place. But beware of the difficult navigation to the Park entrance, we made 3 rounds along AYE to finally found it.
I must comment that the park was pretty well maintained...thou the crowds still looks a little lesser compared to the zoo..
The close interactions in a human cage with the birds such as lorie and cockatoo brings you closer to nature.
The Lories close up and personal
Emoo stare
The Pink Flamingo
The bird show was pretty much similar to my memory..
Oh Huisan has gotten me a polariod wide from Hkg which i saved a fair bit of money from buying locally.
And i used it immediately...
If you would love to get near to nature and away from crowds..this is one good place. But beware of the difficult navigation to the Park entrance, we made 3 rounds along AYE to finally found it.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Documentation
Looking back at the blog post, im glad that i did put in some effort to write my happenings on this blog. While looking back to all the blog post that dated back to 2010, there are journals of trips and thoughts which makes me feel good to read thru them.
With my new camera blog, i seems to neglect this blog a little...well, im going to back post some of my trips to make it complete....
With my new camera blog, i seems to neglect this blog a little...well, im going to back post some of my trips to make it complete....
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